January 5, 2010 • 3:04 pm
and all that bollocks. Yes, I am my normal cheery self again! TV is shitter than it was at Christmas. The weather is shitter than it was at Christmas and everyone is more depressed than they were at Christmas. Brilliant!
I got an interview at the Job(less) Centre this afternoon (oh the irony!), because I been out of work for three months now. Wow, time flies when you’re having fun eh? It’ll probably go something like this:
Them: “Still unemployed?”
Me: “Yes.”
Etc etc. I mean I could go on but it would be fucking boring and you will be bored a bit like me when I go in to see those people later on. It is hard to see what purpose they serve to someone in my position. Who advertises their vacancies at the Job Centre? You can’t even get a shit job through the damn place. Wetherspoons maybe would advertise there, what discernable skill is needed there? The ability to stop alcoholic tramps if they get offended enough to get out their seats and attempt to create a commotion or mop up their piss when they left going to the disabled toilet too long.
I digress; the Job Centre does not have the skills or resources in order to find me a job, or anyone really for that matter. I mean these are the people that can only listen to me dictate two numbers from my National Insurance number at a time, the one time I attempted three, we had to start the whole process again. I should have learnt that through past experience – silly me!
Here’s to a less shit new year!
Filed under: jobs
December 8, 2009 • 4:32 pm
I think I read on Facebook, written by someone I know and not even intentionally funny, just my filthy mind!
“please don’t make me laugh-it hurts! although probably not as much as riding Warrior bareback!”
By the way the girl who wrote it is a horse rider and Warrior is a horse – at least I think he is… I hope he is! Crikey! Or it’s someone off of Gladiators!
It was followed up by this…
“next time try DJ in canter- bareback- great!”
Again DJ is a horse or else Westwood’s been getting about again – ohhhhh no!
Filed under: Funny , bareback, facebook, horse
four and a half hours before my dreaded bi-weekly, insufferable probing from either the crazy Italian, “donta worry itsa getting betta” or some pimple faced twerp sat behind a desk with his footballers tie on, signing on day is upon me! The day where I can show them up the good old Job Centre how many jobs I have applied for and how many people haven’t responded to me. It has gotten me thinking.
You remember the guy in the Shawshank Redemption, Brooks I think he was called. Fifty odd years behind the door and then he gets let out. He writes the guys back in the clink that he’s tired of being constantly afraid – and then hangs himself. The safest or best place he knew was where most people dread going.
I spent a loooong time in university. I have had a few sabbaticals in that time, jaunts off to a foreign country to work. I have been in or in between courses in university for so long that the world outside of university does not feel real anymore. Now that I haven’t ever got to go back to university or school or study, I am stuck in a prison of reality, lost, not knowing what I am doing… Bummer!
Filed under: Stuff , job centre, shawshank redemption, twerp, university
December 7, 2009 • 11:14 pm
Is it just me or are toothpaste manufacturers really taking the piss? So we all now have porous teeth, which we can plug with this new toothpaste that acts a barrier against hot and cold. If your teeth hurt that much – go to the fucking dentist, instead of living with the pain and misery associated by the general public with seeing a glass of ice cold water. Shit, I know in some countries they swear by cleaning your teeth with ash from the cooking fire and use chewed, softened sticks as brushes. They’re teeth look mighty fine and WHITE to me. They don’t spend a penny on toothpaste or whitening their teeth. Lucky fuckers. But “eeeew, that’s disgusting, ash?!?” I hear you say “I ain’t putting that crap in my mouth!”, ok, well put those chemicals, that I am not too proud to admit I (and therefore probably you) know very little about, in your gob instead! Is there no lengths people will not go to in order to sell you more of their ‘new and improved’ product. If it is new and improved then why are you still selling me the less new and less improved stuff you had before?
The other one is sluggishness, especially in women. Do you feel sluggish? Bloated? Fucking hell if women felt as bloated as these adverts purport then I should be avoiding a barrage of loads of gas bag women bouncing down the road at me. Like a real life game of Rollerball. Of course you feel sluggish, man or woman, because the world expects so much of you. Working long hours for little reward in most cases, you’re not sluggish your tired and run down. If the sluggishness and bloatedness adverts carry on with the scare mongering about your teeth, they’ll be telling us that if we do not do anything about people will be exploding in McDonalds as they chow down a high red meat content meal a la Mr. Creosote in Monty Python’s Meaning of Life…
Filed under: Advertising, Television , bloated, meaning of life, micropores, monty python, mr creosote, sensitive teeth, sluggish, tooth whitening
So, after talking to a friend of mine the other day, I made it “more punchy”. Edited it down from the twelve pages I had before to the now rather lonely two, creaking under the weight of high impact images and succinct punchy text. Small gimmicky and manageable, bit like life in the modern age. You know the kind you can print out double sided and fold up into a neat pamphlet for ease of exploration. I mean are we really dumbing down that much? Can someone really not handle more than two pages of information in one sitting? Is that the benchmark of attention that possible employers have before they fall consumed by their comfy leather director’s chair into unimaginable boredom? If that is the case, then we and (me in particular) are fucked…
(By the way, I didn’t use the book below)
Filed under: jobs , boredom, CV, dumbing down, modern age
I was lazily dunking a plain chocolate Leibniz biscuit in an excessively strong cup of coffee after a night of drinking strong cider (yes, it may have already come down to that) and this ad came on the TV. Admittedly, yes it was daytime viewing in the dark hours. I could not believe my eyes when I saw what it was for. I thought having seen adverts for posting your ’spare’ gold I had seen it all. It was an advert for a company called Quick Quid, whose tagline was ‘Make today payday’. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw the APR on the money loaned to you. It was the grand old figure of 2356% typical APR, and that’s typical, meaning if you don’t fulfil the criteria, you probably won’t get that typical rate. Not only that but there is a charge of between £10 – £14.75 per £50 borrowed. Legalised loan sharking, brilliant!!
How can the government talk about responsible banking by big banks that were bailed out by the taxpayer and let this go on? They had a happy as Larry woman on the advert talking about how she was able to survive until payday. That was all wrong, what they should have had was Vinnie Jones’ character from Lock Stock on the advert, Big Chris smashing someone’s head with the driver side door in the foot well of a Triumph Herald. Okay, so they don’t come round and give you a proper shinning, but they’ll be round for all your stuff. Its got to be some fucker who comes round and takes away some poor single mum’s Christmas pressies for her little ‘uns as they all cry, all because she had to take out a loan to pay her bills. Merry Christmas folks!
Filed under: Television , loan shark, payday loan, quick quid
December 2, 2009 • 9:45 pm
I am of course talking about Thierry Henry, Tiger Woods and Gillette. Yes folks, as news broke of Tiger crashing his car into a fire hydrant outside his house. Where his wife smashed in the rear window of his car with a golf club, in order to get the poor Mr. Woods out of the driver’s seat (I know, go figure and speculate – I encourage you!). Thierry Henry was rubbing his hands with glee, “Brilliant!” he must have exclaimed “now Gillette will forget about me, no?!” No! As the image from The Spoiler would suggest! Spot the Ball competition anyone?!
After, even I must admit, poor footballing skills from one of the world’s best players, he must have thought his advertising contracts would take a bit of a battering. As a friend of mine told me, there was a row on Twitter of all places, where an employee of a London advertising agency stood up for the hand of frog against a rival and this had made it to all the way to a board meeting of the said parent company. This is all pub talk though, who knows what’s true these days. I know this is though… ain’t looking too hot for Gillette’s (un)holy trinity. Federer’s crash out of the nonsensical (in my opinion anyway) ATP World Tour Finals seems like a drop in the ocean compared to the storm created by both his brand mates. Can things get any worse, after all bad things come in threes, don’t they?! Even worse for Gillette, might Henry get a ban for the World Cup? After as my old Mum says, there is no such thing as bad publicity…
Filed under: Advertising, Sport , gillette, mum, roger federer, thierry henry, tiger woods, world cup
November 19, 2009 • 6:44 pm
as you are apparently the biggest listeners to the George Lamb show on BBC Radio 6, which was on from 10am til 1pm on weekdays has reached its end. The show has been moved to a 7am slot on Saturdays and Sundays. The childish gibberings, features, slating of that fat bloke on Radio 1, humour, with a smattering of great tunes that eased most listeners into the lush voice of Cerys Matthews on weekdays will be on at 7am?! On the weekend?! That is really asking a lot of your listeners, I think, unless it’s people who have been up all night. Who’s going to come back from a club and go “What’s perfect for this moment? I know, I’ll put on the George Lamb show!” That’ll go down like a shit storm in a chocolate factory and make all the disco biscuit chewing, face munchers well happy! They wanna hear something more like this!
His ever expanding TV work is apparently the reason why the show has been moved. In case you hadn’t noticed, George Lamb is shit on TV anyway. Utter crap, getting himself involved in a programme in its final death throes - Big Brother(’s Little Brother), furthermore, Make My Body Younger and his latest foray into lowest common denominator television, Young Butcher of the Year and soon to be broadcast Young Mechanic of the Year. Let’s make everyone a celebrity, there’s enough to go round guys, honest. You too could be like Dom on the fucking One Show. What utter pony!!
Sadly, if you are a fan of any of the above mentioned programmes, then you ARE the lowest common denominator backing the funneling of TV license money into SHIT! Shitting on the grave of John Logie Baird turning in it beneath you as you defecate!
Filed under: Radio, Television , bbc, big brother, Cerys Matthews, george lamb, graphic designers, john logie baird, marc hughes, radio 1, radio 6, young butcher of the year, young mechanic of the year
